Starting the Conversation

by Betty-Anne Christie

Recently my husband and I took his mom for a special lunch in a restaurant which is located in a historic hotel. The occasion was a celebration of her 80th birthday. It was a first for Mom; she had often thought of taking a look in that beautiful old hotel, but never had. She was tickled pink.

She told us of all the wonderful well wishes she had been receiving. One was a birthday card from her sister many miles away. She said she opened the card and a photo fell out. She quickly glanced at it and wondered why her sister had sent her a picture of a bunch of old people. Looking more closely she noticed that one of the people in the picture was her sister, and then gradually she identified other siblings. Finally she noticed that smack in the middle of the photo, there she was, the shortest of the bunch. It was a photo taken during a get-together the previous summer. "I guess I'm one of those 'old people' " she said "but I just don't know how I got here, it just creeps up day-by-day I guess."

As adult children, the aging of our parents can just as easily creep up on us. Aging and, ultimately death, is an obvious inevitable stage of life; but it is not a stage we think of too much, discuss or plan for very well. It often is left until it "creeps up" and hands us a sudden serious situation that demands immediate attention. The situations that our elderly parents may face vary as widely as do the financial, emotional and physical resources they have to deal with them. In most cases, however, at some point our parents will need to turn to us for some support. Just as every elderly parent is different, so is every adult child. The resources each of us has in terms of time, distance from our parents, family demands and financial resources all impact ways in which we can support them.

So, where do we start? The first step is to acknowledge that our parents are getting older, their lives are changing, and that they will likely need to count on us for some help over the coming years. Perhaps this is so difficult because it causes us to acknowledge our own aging.

The next step is to become familiar with, and informed about, the issues that your parents could start to face and find out how your elderly parents feel about them. Understanding what your parents' values and wishes are before any one of these issues emerge as urgent is extremely valuable. Some of the issues you and your elderly parents may need to deal with include: failing health, diminishing ability to do household and personal tasks, concerns about living alone safely, financial concerns, the possibility of having to move to different housing for health or financial reasons, difficulty with transportation, and sudden unexpected emergencies such as illness, injury or the sudden death of one of your parents, leaving the other suddenly alone.

Beginning the conversations with your parents can sometimes be a little difficult, but chances are some of these things have been on their minds, and they may be grateful when you start the discussion. Next month we will talk about planning for the future with your parents. In the meantime there are some excellent references and information available for you. Some suggested references and web-sites are listed at the end of this article.

As we finished our lunch Mom remarked again on being so happy that she had finally visited the hotel. She said she now has a new goal. Her goal now is to live to 100 and do something she's never done before, even if it's a little thing, every day. I'm putting my money on Mom.

More sources of information for you…

• Children of Aging Parents (CAPS) is an excellent information and virtual support group site.
• Aging Parents and Elder Care is a similar resource with information and support
• How to Care for Aging Parents by Virginia Morris (Workman Publishing) provides practical tips and reassurance for adult children.
• Eldercare 911 by Susan Beerman and Judith Rappaport-Musson (Prometheus Books) is a "Caregiver's Complete Handbook for Making Decisions"

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